Offensive Driving

Well, I guess I should start with the obvious. For any of you who have been to Houston, you know the traffic is obnoxious. That’s actually a really polite way of saying, wtf? Even more charming are the radio traffic report every morning and evening. Like, really? Let me do you a favor, Houston radio, and just let you know where there’s not traffic. Because that doesn’t exist. “Hey it’s so and so from blah blah radio station, traffic in the Houston area is everywhere and were seeing slow downs on every highway. Now here’s Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream for the 6^th time this hour.” What a waste of time.

So, traffic is an obvious hurdle of any big city. I truly wasn’t surprised or taken off guard by the mass car stoppage twice a day. What I was completely shocked by was how blatantly rude Houston drivers are. Just, not nice in any way. And maybe it hurts my feelings? Maybe I take it personally? For example, are you ever just in one of those really random good moods while driving? The radio is blaring, and it’s probably something embarrassingly girly, and it might be Alanis Morissette? So your driving, dancing, looking at yourself in the mirror, feeling empowered and on top of the world, and you are in traffic because you’re in Houston, and some desperate little Toyota Corolla is giving you the mad blinker because they need in your lane. So, you happily let them in, taking a pause from singing horribly loud and just silently dance for a second. AND THEN. YOU WAIT FOR IT…WAIT FOR IT….WHATTTTTTTTTTT?????????!!!!!! THAT MOTHERFUCKER DIDN’T WAVE TO ME. WHERE THE HELL IS MY ‘THANK YOU’ WAVE? I’LL TEACH THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD WHAT’S UP. And then you proceed to ride their ass until one of you exits and in that moment, you pass them and give them the evil stare down of their life. As if looking at them is going to make them all the sudden smile and send a thank you card to your office. Mood ruined. Music is off.

Well enough of this behavior and boyfriend decides it’s time to teach me a thing or two about driving in Houston. Apparently, I drive too nice and far too cautious. Well, boyfriend happens to be the most aggressive driver in the history of all aggressive drivers. You know how driver’s education teaches you to be a defensive driver? Boyfriend is an offensive driver. At any rate, I could use some Houston driving tips so I’ve been paying attention. After a few months of driving in Houston with him, I’ve gathered a few important tips:

1) If someone honks at you, no matter whose fault it is, you violently give them the middle finger for their injustice

2) If someone is going the speed limit, they are assholes and deserve for you to ride their bumper until they move over.

3) Driving a truck gives you permission to be a dickhead to anyone with a smaller car.

4) Cut everyone off. 

5) Any parking spot is fair game. And you should whip into it like you’re a Nascar driver. 

6) "One way" really translates to ‘do whatever the fuck you want’ 

7) "Stop" really translates to ‘do whatever the fuck you want’