How Does One Appear?

The other day I had an out of body. 

A good friend of mine came to my front door unexpectedly with his boss.  Long story short he called me after the encounter ... 

"When you answered the door, you looked like you were ready to kick someone's ass," my friend says to me. 

I ask him to explain. 

He said in a lot of words that I came off a little scary and aggressive and that if he was coming to harm me a la rapist style he probably would have reconsidered. He also said he would probably never approach me in a bar for conversation. Great, #unapproachable.

Now, this seemed a little #hardknocks at the time and I didn't realize I came off as that bitchy intense. That day, I was in a good mood and felt like I was pulling off a phony nice girl thing. 

Turns out, not. 

I thought back to the last several weeks when I might have been overly masculine and I remembered my coworker asking me why I always wear black and if I had any color in my wardrobe. I didn't have an answer at the time and I don't mean to always wear black. Black feels comfortable, safe - it's my go-to.

Maybe there's something deeper happening here. 

But really, do we ever know how we appear to other people? I'm always surprised when someone describes me as "nice" or "sweet" because I don't think I'm a debutante in pastel, but I didn't think I was Daria + Salt + Alanis Morissette circa Jagged Little Pill
 

The self-awareness - I can't deal. 

So then, what defines you? Is it how you come off to other people, or is it what you think you are? And are you even what you think you are or do you just hope to be __? Do you even know what you are, ever?

Who is right?

What's the weirdest to deal with is the reality of what you might be and then being legitimately surprised. Kind of a Who am I moment. 

Most of the time I'm pretty self-aware (I think?) so this whole experience was a little bizarre. 

Now, I hope you to doubt everything about yourself after reading this. 

You are welcome. *hugs*