Schizo and the Doggie Daycare

Back in March, (against my best advice) boyfriend bought a dog.

He was soft, had lots of extra skin and his breath smelled like comfort zone.

Sometime in June, the dog grew into this.

He was still soft, his breath smelled like a dead body and he was much more complicated.

Sometime between point A and point B, the dog picked up a mix of mental illness coupled with separation anxiety and schizophrenia.

Diagnosed per me, the expert.

But FOR REAL THOUGH.

Boyfriend travels all the time for his new fancy job, so I have been *luckily* left with the dog to my own devices. Due to all of our one-on-one time, the dog has become unhealthily attached to me.

As in, when I leave the house, he vomits on himself and chews his body to the point that he has bald patches all down his back and on his legs.  

Upon my return, he has diarrhea for hours.

Boyfriend does the same thing when I leave the house, which is totally charming.

Anyway, this has left me with little options but to:

Take him with me in the car

To the bathroom

To doggie day care

Wearing clothes

And generally treating him as a human at all times

You might think this is adorable, and 30 percent of the time it absolutely is.

Remember when Paris Hilton first came on the scene and she was always spotted with a small dog in her purse, her hoodie, on her belt buckle, on her earrings...and it was SO fashion forward?

Well, this 85 pound doberman has become a fifth appendage and that's not chic.

Sometimes, I JUST NEED A MINUTE.

We I have resorted to taking him to doggie daycare three times a week so that I can go to work and function guilt-free knowing my schizophrenic dog is slap happy and frolicking with other dogs his age but not really his size. He comes home, diarrhea-free and tired as shit so I can sit on the couch and watch Real Housewives for 3 or so hours a night.

For the record, doggie daycare is totally against my religion but, you gotta do what you gotta do, amiright?

Well, I've got two primary issues with doggie daycare: 1. the dog is sick and dirty all the time, which is expensive and 2. for the amount of money I spend on DDC I could have gone back to get my master's degree.

So, when life gives you lemons....

What does an anxiety-ridden, guilty conscience, type A person who cannot fail do when their dog is completely unbearable?

GETS ANOTHER DOG!

I haven't pulled the trigger on this idea just yet, but I've 90 percent convinced myself that this is the best option.

While boyfriend is ready to just throw in the towel to our manic dog, I can't help but picture him chained up in some thug's yard chewing himself to death because he's depressed that no one tells him how pretty he is anymore.

My master plan is to ditch doggie daycare and bring in reinforcements. This little wiener above will provide downs syndrome doberman with the companionship and attention he needs while I am at work.

Read: no vomit, no self-induced bald spots, no diarrhea.

Well, maybe a little diarrhea.

I imagine my future life, taking car rides alone, going to the bathroom with only me and my iPad and blissfully watching Real Housewives in my underwear whilst eating Nutella with a spoon.

OR this will go completely the opposite direction than I have anticipated and big dog will be unbearably jealous of small dog and turn to suicide and sleeping pills. Cue vomiting, chewing on self, more diarrhea.

What's a girl to do?

My life is hard.