Teen Mom

I'd like to take today to talk about the greatest show on television, Teen Mom (previously known as 16 and Pregnant). Teen Mom is the most fantastic, brilliant and inspiring event to inspire a generation since, oh I don't know, landing on the moon probably. 

Thank you MTV, I forgive you for Jersey Shore and the last dozen seasons of The Real World. 


Teen Mom was designed by the really nice folks at MTV in order to to make 20-somethings with average jobs and even more average salaries have a greater self-image. 

You know, the 20-somethings that graduated college into a shiteous economy where jobs were scarce, people were angry, and our parents lost their retirement funds?

Yeah, those 20-somethings. 


The 20-somethings that have been defined by disappointing pop culture, technology and fat assery? 


And then everything changed. 


And then, Teen Mom. 

Because every day I wake up and I'm not a Teen Mom, it's a pretty fabulous fucking day. 

Because no matter how badly I might screw up, curse, drink, or over-surf the Internet -- you know what I'll never be? A Teen Mom. 

All those little assholes born in the 90's are making 20-somethings seem intelligent, inspired and moral. 


I dig it. 


Not that I think my generation is some shining star, but 20-somethings have had a less than easy time lately, you know, voting in Obama and everything. It's nice to get the heat off of us for once. 

You think we're bad, look what they're doing.


However, what's good news for the 20-somethings of the world is bad news for the 40-somethings and even worse news for the 50-somethings. 

Because as horrifying as Teen Moms are, guess what they're doing?


Raising children. 


The future. 


The equally horrifying cast of Jersey Shore aren't raising our young. At some point, that cycle will stop. 

.........It will, right? 

And even though those sluts from The Hills had little going for them at the time, at the very least, they weren't mothers.

As far as I know. 


Teen Mom's cycle has little chance of slowing down anytime soon. Because just when you think the dysfunction can't get any more dysfunctional, these Teen Moms want to be Teen Moms twice over. 


And then they want to get married and divorced and then collect welfare. 


Guess who gets to pay for the welfare?


20-somethings.