Homless and the City

The homeless people in Houston are a fuckin riot. I know what you're thinking, wow Schizo, you've really hit rock bottom, dogging on homeless people. 

Well, asshats, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. First of all, if you're gonna be homeless, Houston would be probably in the top two places to be homeless. Unless it's July or August. Because it's never cold, the likelihood of you freezing to death is low. So props on that. Thumbs up.

When you're homeless, it's all about positivity.

Nonetheless, the homeless in Houston are insane. I mean INSANE. For one thing, they are everywhere. They sleep in the park I run in, they lurk in the downtown I work in, they are posted on every intersection of the roads I drive on. I literally cannot escape them. I have felt pretty passionate about the Houston homeless but have waited some time to tell you guys about it, mainly because I was trying to get a good picture of this gem of humanity. 

So this ole dude, I see every day after work. He cruises around on his red Benz in the Jack in the Box parking lot and, notice the cup, asks passer-bys for some mulah. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. This clown has the nerve to heckle people in their cars, the very people that are trying diligently to ignore him, while simultaneously wondering how in the hell a homeless guy got a Hoveround. So he hoots and hollers and people in their cars, trying to get their attention, so they will shell out some dough. Some do, some don't. This is a show I see daily.

One afternoon, homie picked me as his victim. Oh god, please don't let him be talking to me.  Mortified, I had a dead stare straight ahead while my left eye tried it's best to secretly move towards him and stare at this shit show. After a good effort and my best ignoring tactics, I think he's gone. I look up.

On to the next. 

But here's what I'm thinking, I get it, times are rough, but you can't heckle people for money. That's like a hybrid between being regular homeless and mugging. People already feel a twinge of shitty when they are blatantly ignoring the pathetic cardboard signs, cause you know, it is sad. If you're a reasonably decent human, that is sad to you. 


But lots of things are sad. You can't go around making people feel more shitty than they already do. Isn't there like an unwritten homeless rule against this? 


Maybe it is actually written. Maybe it's a law.

The other day after a post-work downtown happy hour, a homeless man approached me.

"Scccuuusee me ma'am... SCCCCUUUUUUUUUUUUSEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
"Uhh...umm...arhhgddhhs...yes?"
"Do you have any cash?"
"No, sir...I'm sorry I don't have anything."
"But I'm starving. I just need sumfin to EAT."
"I understand. I still don't have anything. Nothing."

At this point, I am high-tailing it to my car, parked like three blocks away. Awesome. 
 
Please don't let him kill me. Please don't let him kill me. My parents would be so sad.

"MA'AM. SCCUUUSEE ME."
"No no no no no. I'm sorry."

Why am I apologizing? Dude, I don't have cash. Do you want me to pull rainbows out of my ass? Contents of my purse are as follows : old gum covered in lent, Burt's Bees lip balm, a nail file. 


He is following me. The heckling ensues. DUDE. UNLESS YOU HAVE CHAPPED LIPS OR HALITOSIS I CANNOT HELP YOU. 


So then these other two homeless homies get on to my little friend and are all like, "ah, man, why you be botherin her like that? Get the hell outta hur, man."


I didn't stick around to see what happened because this was my great escape. 


So I called boyfriend huffing and puffing, "ahhhmaaaaaaaaaayygawd I practically just got murdahed."


Sometimes I'm dramatic to get his attention. Only sometimes.