What a FAILURE

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry?

So, I've been a total epic failure of a blogger and I'm sorry about that. But as you all know, life happens, and then you forget to blog, and then you remember and you have anxiety because once you do blog, it had better be good, because what the hell else have you been doing all these weeks? And then you talk yourself out of it because it can't possibly be good or funny and will surely disappoint. And this fucked mental cycle goes on for like six weeks until it's just embarrassing and you have to write to the 3 poor suckers who still check your blog every once in awhile to see if you're alive. 

We'll, I'm alive. Fear not. 

In a nutshell, and I figure this is a legitimate excuse for not blogging, but I am MOVING! No, not out of Houston. The exact opposite as a matter of fact. I just signed my life away to 12 more months in the Bayou City. Apartment searching in Houston was pretty interesting. First of all, for apartments in Houston, you have three choices: 1. Live in a rough area, fear your life, dwell amongst rapists and murderers 2. Commute one hour or more to and from work every day, spend 1/3 of your life in traffic or 3. pay one million dollars a month in rent. 

Can you guess which one I chose?

ONE MILLION DOLLARS, plus utilities. 

Needless to say, my social life may be severely compromised but hey, I'll have a kick ass apartment that I'll never be able to afford to leave. NEVER.

OK, that was negative. In reality, I'm super pumped about the new digs. Most importantly, I'm excited that nothing about the apartment reminds me of this.

A good friend of mine has been harassing me about blogging, well, since my last post, and in an attempt to get my lazy ass back into creativity mode, she sent me one of those uber cheesy questionnaires we all used to fill out in middle school. Idiot. After sitting on it for a couple weeks, I thought eh, what the hell? My readers probably can't be any more disappointed with me. So, here goes. 

What did you realize today?
It's payday. And almost none of that money is going to clothing, vacations or alcohol. Can I get an amen?

Name one person who made you smile today?
The Lego man my little brother sent me via iPhone picture text last night. Little kids are so tech savvy, did you know that? Did you know there was a recent study that said kids learn the ins and outs of a computer and/or smart phone before they learn how to tie their shoes?

His photography skills aren't great, but isn't that charming? It's two face.

What were you doing at 7:45 this morning?
Scrambling around to get out the door and not be late to work. I was late. Much later than my time card reveals.

Who is the last person to send you a message on myspace?
MySpace? Didn't they go under?
 

Do you have a tan?
I have vowed to stop indoor tanning, but lucky for me, Houston is 70 degrees in February so as long as I keep up my lunchtime runs, I can keep a bronze glow. But you betchur ass once it gets 80 degrees I will be worshiping the sun. I can't help myself.
 

Has today been rough? 

Meh.

  

Do you use chapstick?
If by 'use' you mean bathe in, Burt's Bees and Aquaphor.
 

Last song listened to?
Have I told you about my Alanis Morissette phase?
 

Are you jealous of anyone right now?

Jealousy looks good on no one. 

What is the last movie you watched?
Black Swan. And all I gotta say is, WTF.
 

How did you get your worst scar?
Colon resection surgery. Yep, bet you didn't think you'd learn that about me today.
 

Have you ever dated someone more than once?
What's done is done.

Missing someone? 

A lot of someones.
 

How many hours did you sleep last night? 

Well I took ambien last night so I got a solid 8 of coma-like sleep.
 

Do you miss your past? 

Part of me wishes I could be 8 years old again.
 

Do you have a big family?  

Let's see. 46 first cousins on my mom's side. Another 25+ on my dads side. A plethora of aunts, uncles, and now little perfect baby second cousins. Big isn't the word.
 

What color are your eyes?
Brown

How is your hair? 

In a ponytail.
 

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Hell to the no. I'm far too dramatic for that.
 

Do you like to cuddle?
Overall, yes.
 

Do you like anyone right now?
How miserable to not like anyone? I don't like this question.
  

Name one fact about the last person who called you?
Boyfriend. Runs with scissors.
 

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Watched Dexter in an ambien haze.
 

Do your initials spell anything? 

CKS. seaaacuuksss. So, yeah.
 

When was the last time you had a headache?

It's been awhile.

 Who was the last person to IM you?
 Boyfriend

 Next time you will kiss someone?
 If leave the cube at the designated time of 4:56pm, then I'd say about sixish hours.
 

Where was your default picture taken?
At a bar. I hate how cliche that is.
 

What's your favorite number?

8, always 8.
 

Do you get along with girls?
Here's the deal. I know some of the most amazing, inspiring, kick-ass women. For real. I also happen to know women who make my skin crawl.
 

What was the last thing you drank?
Water out of a leopard cup. Exotic.
 

When is your birthday?
June 28

How different are you from three years ago? 

Same girl, different scenario.

What is usually the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? 

Scratch my balls. Come on... I have no idea? 

What was your favorite thing of the week? 

Getting the keys to my new apartment. Those were some expensive keys.
 

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? 

I'm not sure I'm enjoying all these questions surrounding 'like.' Makes me feel like this survey was pulled from AIM circa 2001.
 

Two days from now this time, where will you be?
Sunday at 10am? I will be at Mass.
 

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? 

Boyfriend does. Dreamy.
 

Who was the first person you talked to today? 

Boyfriend. Double dreamy.

If you could cuddle with anyone right now, who would you pick? 

My dog in Oklahoma.

What were you up to at 9pm last night?
Getting ready for bed? Does that make me sound lame? Then I was definitely partying. Keg stands.
 

Who made you mad today?  

I'm not feeling mad today. Is this supposed to be a daily emotion?

How's your life lately?

Complicated. 

What did you do today? 

Cube.
 

Do you have any feelings for any sandwich right now? 

I wanted to pack a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch but I didn't have any bread. I frggin love a PB&J.
 

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
Friday.
  

How'd you meet the last person you were in a car with?

Well it was boyfriend, and I met him at his house in his pool. Isn't that how Romeo and Juliet met? What about Mary and Joesph?
 

When was the last time you and an opposite sex hugged?
This morning. D R E A M Y. 
 

Do you have a best friend to lean on?
Many. I have the greatest friends.
 

What was the weather like today? 

Houston, Texas. January 28, 2010 ... current temp of 74 degrees. Now you see why 'mad' isn't a daily emotion.

Schizo out.

Homless and the City

The homeless people in Houston are a fuckin riot. I know what you're thinking, wow Schizo, you've really hit rock bottom, dogging on homeless people. 

Well, asshats, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. First of all, if you're gonna be homeless, Houston would be probably in the top two places to be homeless. Unless it's July or August. Because it's never cold, the likelihood of you freezing to death is low. So props on that. Thumbs up.

When you're homeless, it's all about positivity.

Nonetheless, the homeless in Houston are insane. I mean INSANE. For one thing, they are everywhere. They sleep in the park I run in, they lurk in the downtown I work in, they are posted on every intersection of the roads I drive on. I literally cannot escape them. I have felt pretty passionate about the Houston homeless but have waited some time to tell you guys about it, mainly because I was trying to get a good picture of this gem of humanity. 

So this ole dude, I see every day after work. He cruises around on his red Benz in the Jack in the Box parking lot and, notice the cup, asks passer-bys for some mulah. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. This clown has the nerve to heckle people in their cars, the very people that are trying diligently to ignore him, while simultaneously wondering how in the hell a homeless guy got a Hoveround. So he hoots and hollers and people in their cars, trying to get their attention, so they will shell out some dough. Some do, some don't. This is a show I see daily.

One afternoon, homie picked me as his victim. Oh god, please don't let him be talking to me.  Mortified, I had a dead stare straight ahead while my left eye tried it's best to secretly move towards him and stare at this shit show. After a good effort and my best ignoring tactics, I think he's gone. I look up.

On to the next. 

But here's what I'm thinking, I get it, times are rough, but you can't heckle people for money. That's like a hybrid between being regular homeless and mugging. People already feel a twinge of shitty when they are blatantly ignoring the pathetic cardboard signs, cause you know, it is sad. If you're a reasonably decent human, that is sad to you. 


But lots of things are sad. You can't go around making people feel more shitty than they already do. Isn't there like an unwritten homeless rule against this? 


Maybe it is actually written. Maybe it's a law.

The other day after a post-work downtown happy hour, a homeless man approached me.

"Scccuuusee me ma'am... SCCCCUUUUUUUUUUUUSEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
"Uhh...umm...arhhgddhhs...yes?"
"Do you have any cash?"
"No, sir...I'm sorry I don't have anything."
"But I'm starving. I just need sumfin to EAT."
"I understand. I still don't have anything. Nothing."

At this point, I am high-tailing it to my car, parked like three blocks away. Awesome. 
 
Please don't let him kill me. Please don't let him kill me. My parents would be so sad.

"MA'AM. SCCUUUSEE ME."
"No no no no no. I'm sorry."

Why am I apologizing? Dude, I don't have cash. Do you want me to pull rainbows out of my ass? Contents of my purse are as follows : old gum covered in lent, Burt's Bees lip balm, a nail file. 


He is following me. The heckling ensues. DUDE. UNLESS YOU HAVE CHAPPED LIPS OR HALITOSIS I CANNOT HELP YOU. 


So then these other two homeless homies get on to my little friend and are all like, "ah, man, why you be botherin her like that? Get the hell outta hur, man."


I didn't stick around to see what happened because this was my great escape. 


So I called boyfriend huffing and puffing, "ahhhmaaaaaaaaaayygawd I practically just got murdahed."


Sometimes I'm dramatic to get his attention. Only sometimes.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It's getting pretty frosty down here in Houston. We are trading our flip flops in for closed-toed shoes and while I'm pretty pumped about a slight dip in temperature (this coming from the girl who WORSHIPS the sun, but honey, it's hot) I'm not sure how the rest of the city is going to react. Pretty excited to see the sheer panic when Houston gets to a frigid 60 degrees. Brrr.

The other day when I was getting ready for my run, a coworker said to me, shocked, "wow! You even run in the cold, huh?!" Well first of all, yes. Second of all, I don't know what you're referring to, but an overnight low of 50 and daytime high of 70 isn't cold. I know I've got a good number of readers in Omaha, Nebraska (shout out!) and I can feel you rolling your eyes. Thank you for that.

I don't care who you are, this weather, in December, is pure bliss. I went on a run today at lunch and snagged the above photo of Downtown Houston. As you can see, the leaves are starting to change. For everyone else in America, this happened in October, September? Here in Houston, we are enjoying the leaf-changing in mid-December. The temp at 11:30am? 64 degrees. Be jealous. Gosh dammit look at that friggin sky. SMOG?! What smog?

See that ant of a man running a little bit ahead of me? I beat him. He didn't know we were racing, but, just for the record. 

We were also wearing the same shirt, so that was weird.

I do love this city. Don't tell anyone. Something about that skyline. I work there. 


Even if you can't get nutty about a city skyline, are you dying over those clouds and that sky? December, people. December.

This second picture I took was pretty artsy for an iPhone. Damn you Apple, once again, you own my life. 

The Most Dysfunctional Time of the Year

Unless you haven't been into a retail outlet since October, you know fully well that it is THAT time of year again. Let me just say, I friggin love Christmas. The Christmas season brings a whole lot to the table, but one of the greatest things that Christmas brings is the annual family photo. The forced image of denim and solid colored shirts that depicts a vision of "yes, we're doing great. We're so functional, we took a g-dang family photo." Family photos have definitely evolved over the years but the Christmas season, for whatever reason, usually brings out some serious gems. 

I'm not quite established in my adult life to get a bulk of my own Christmas cards (this, I'm hoping, comes with age. Crossing my fingers) but you better believe that when I get to my parents' house next week, I will stack up the Christmas cards, pour a glass of merlot, and die of happiness. This year, I'm really hoping to see a movement in over the top family photos. It's not fair that the 90s got all the denim and plaid. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty tired of seeing dogs dressed up as Santa. 

Is there anything funnier than a really bad family photo? No. There isn't. If you come up with something you're wrong and your sense of humor sucks. 

Because of my love for family photos, I've stumbled across a web site that consists only of terrible family photos. Named appropriately, awkwardfamilyphotos.com. 

See below for some of my favorites. You're welcome.

Nothing  says family like a pregnant mermaid.

Things I love: denim, white, and the whole family wearing it.

I wonder if the curtains match the... never mind

"How we gonna get baby Jimmy on the window? OK, hear me out...I got an idea..."

Yup.

What the fuck?

OH honey, I know.

I love denim. Have I mentioned that?

Family in a box. Please look at the kid in the back left, is he adopted? Why is he so far away?

Busted

So you know how I've been running during my lunch hour?

Maybe you need a refresher...

Ahhh, yeah now you remember. Well, I've been showering in this little piece of hell for about a month now, and up until this week, I was yet to see ANYONE enter this bathroom. Which is pretty legit and kiiinda made me feel like the CEO of the company I work at. "Yeah, I just have my own bathroom, it's not a big deal, just one of the perks of the job." I may or may not have just leave my shampoo and conditioner there sometimes. I might leave it there over night. It might have been sitting in that shower for bout a month. 

Yeah, OK, so I moved right in. Stop looking at me like that. 


Anyway, here's the big revelation I came to a few days ago. People do in fact use this bathroom. And by people I mean women. 


And my use I mean SHIT. This is the place where sneaky little girly girls go to take SHITS in private. 


I know this, because the other day when I was changing to run, I heard the uncommon sound of the door opening and closing. In total confusion I was 100 percent convinced it was one of three things 1. a murderer 2. a rapist 3. a ghost. As I peered around the corner, it was nothing like I imagined. A real life, living, human female. I felt like someone had walked into my house uninvited. 


Until I heard it. 


Poooooooootyyyyyy poot. Ker-plunk ppoottt parrrrrrrrrfff... gurgle gurgle. 


Flush. 


Sink. 


Paper towels.


Door open, close. 

Say whaaaaaa? Did that just.....?? Did she just........??


YOU ARE SO BUSTED.


WELL GUEZZ WHAT. THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN AND PRIVATE POOPING SESSIONS ARE NO LONGER. That's my bathroom.


hehehhehehe I hear you sneaky priss!


Come on, private poopers, don't be such a girl about it. Let 'er rip!


For complicated reasons, I am definitely probably overly comfortable talking about bodily functions. 


Another post, for another day. 

Obviously, I'm an extremely glamorous person. 


Isn't boyfriend lucky?

Safety First

And that's all I have to say about that.

If You Give A Mouse OCD

About that last post. 

I'm sorry, I was just kidding.

Parents don't penetrate each other.

That would be gross.

They just go to soccer games, pack sack lunches and pretend to be Santa.

I have the day off today. Remember I was working ungodly hours all this week? Today is the fruit of my labors. Guess what I did?

Don't guess, I'll just tell you!

Went to TJ Crack Maxx and got there before it opened. Waited outside from 9:20 am until they opened the doors at 9:30 am. What is this, Black Friday? How embarrassing.

I am a bargain junkie, so...if you give a mouse a cookie, she's gonna want to go to Marshall's.

theatreworksusa.org 

Went to Marshall's. Died of happiness. Then got a work skirt (zzz) and a top that has one sleeve. One sleeve, you say?! Yes. One sleeve.

Went to American Apparel. And damn you, American Apparel. Bought a dress that is a teensy bit slutty. Secretly obsessed. I also bought a crop top, which the way I see it, is sorta the devil. Because now I have to wear it. And suck in my tummy to the point of discomfort. But it's so dreamy. I love to hate you, crop-top.

Cleaned the bathroom.

Cleaned the bedroom.

Cleaned the kitchen.

Cleaned the entryway, back splash, light switches, tile grout.

Vacuumed.

Cleaned the vacuum.

Cleaned the bathroom again.

Here's the deal. I have cleaning obsessive compulsive disorder. What I mean is, I can't clean the bathroom without cleaning the entire house and all its crevices. The whole cleaning experience takes over me and makes me a mad woman, and by the time I'm done, the bathroom is probably dirty again. It is the EPIC example of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.

Please tell me you know this book. Or else none of this will make any sense. Your head must be spinning with confusion.

simplemom.net

And if you don't know this book, I feel sorry for you. Have a childhood real quick, and go buy it. Stop resisting. You will learn a whole lot about humanity.

exodusbooks.com

Sigh. That mouse. He so gets me. 

And let me me tell you, there's a whole lot more OCD where that came from. 

bearhugsbaby.blogspot.com

And,

murray.k12.ia.us

Finally, 

spellboundchildrensbookshop.com

Love love. 

UPDATE: I just went in to change the font of the blog. 

I ended up changing the entire design and lay out.